I've had one crazy life and I'm only 16 years old! For privacy reasons I will not be using my real name; that goes for anyone I walk about as well.
I am the fifth child out of six daughters. Yes, there are six daughter and no boys. I know what you’re thinking, “Your poor dad!” But if you were to ask him, he wouldn’t ask God to exchange any of us for a boy.
The order of all of us is -- Emma, Rosalynn, Beverly, Aspen, Lux (aka me), and Sophie. Emma is married to Charles Everett and they have a son named Kent. Rosalynn ~ Rose for short ~ is in the process of getting married to Rick Tempest. The next daughter, Beverly, passed away a few hours after she was born. But she is with a loving Heavenly Father who is taking good care of her and they are waiting for me and the rest of my family to return to them.
For the past few years my life has been absolutely crazy! I have moved 13 times within the state of Utah. Rose has undergone 4 brain surgeries over the summer of 2016. Aspen fell off a bus and destroyed both of her ankles, in which she has been in a wheelchair, on crutches, has even had a peg leg and has undergone multiple surgeries. My dad has blood clots in his lungs which almost killed him...twice. My mom has had a hysterectomy, and I have had my appendix removed, on the day of my Sophomore prom I might add. Don’t forget --- each event was within the year of 2016.
With everything that has gone on in my life, I was slowly being dragged within the depths of Satan’s grip. I have a family history of severe anxiety, which did not help my situation. Along with the anxiety, I also have depression. But if you have ever met me, you would never be able to tell. I say this because I was born a man of many masks.
A mask I chose to conceal my real feelings with was that of happiness. I was happy about everything. Wherever I walked, I had a slight bounce. Never did I not have a smile on my face. I made sure that wherever I was and whomever I was with, they were smiling. “Everyone needs to have something that can make them smile.“ At least that’s what I believe. The only flaw in this brilliant plan of mine was that while I was making sure everyone else was happy and loving life, I was losing grasp. Losing grasp of my happiness, my importance, my motivation, my will to live.
I have been told by many people that I brighten their day whenever they saw me because I always had a smile on my face. They told me that I as just one “happy-go-lucky girl”... but I’m not. If a video camera followed me around, when I’m alone, they would see that my life isn’t full of rainbows and unicorns.
Before I go to sleep at night, I fall to my knees with clasped hands. Thanking God for all the trials I’ve been given. I ask Him to help me know why my family has so many more than everyone else in this world. As I end my prayers, my tears seem to flow faster and harder. But never do I let out a peep. Silently I cry. Not letting anyone find out that I’m broken. Because nobody wants something that’s broken.
Imagine you're a little kid with a brand new toy. It’s perfect. No scratches, no dents, nothing. It is in absolutely perfect condition. Everybody wants it. Now imagine you have another toy that has dirt smudges, scratches, a piece is missing. Which one would you want to play with?
The brand new one?
If i never let anyone know how hurt, broken, and messed up I am, then I can’t hurt anyone but myself. Thats no big deal, right? Wrong. It hurts, a lot. Taking that big of a hit changes a person.
For everyone who has stopped reading by now, I hope you skipped to the end. That’s where my story begins. Where I thought I wanted to end my life.
On December 11, 2016 at 1:00 AM my friend Jeremy came and picked me up from my house because he wanted to talk. We didn’t say much in the car...we just listened to music and jammed out. He drove us to a random neighborhood that I had never seen before. We got out of the car and started hiking up a long street. He had called the place we were going to, “the ruins”. We had to be stealthy though, or else the house we were by would call the cops on us for trespassing. Even though where we went was public property. As we hiked through the weeds, and the wind, we found a small gravel road. Following it, he grabbed my hand. As we talked and walked along the path he stopped. Up on the hill was a buck. Within a split second he had let go of my hand and was halfway up the hill, Him being a long distance runner, helped him to know the best ways of moving fast. It was the most entertaining thing to see him chase after a buck! I wanted to laugh but I knew that if I did, it would scare the buck away.
When he finally came back, we walked in the opposite direction. Accidentally, we had started heading the wrong way but while he was on the hill he saw our destination.
Arriving at The Ruins, we headed for the edge of a platform. *PAUSE* For those of you who don’t know, The Ruins is an old shut down mine. *UNPAUSE* At the edge of the platform we sat and looked out at the lights of Kaysville City. It wasn’t New York but the lights were still gorgeous.
He grabbed my left hand.
“The reason I brought you here is because I wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend.”
I bit my lip. I was shocked. How could someone like him...like someone like me?!
I looked down at our hands, then up at him.
That’s all I said. Not “yes”, not “oh my gosh I would love to!” just “sure”. Way to go on being cute and romantic.
“Yeah?” he asked me.
Now this time I couldn’t even get words out. All I could do was nod my head. Now for some reason, I’m not sure why, but I know for a fact that he asked me to be his girlfriend at exactly 1:32 AM. Obviously, everyone needs to know the exact time they got their first boyfriend, duh!
This was the last time I can remember being actually happy. Since then, everything went downhill.